It feels, at least in one way, as though we’re deconstructing sexuality in some way, here.

Earlier today, a mutual friend of ours came over, and while I was working, he and James got into some pretty heavy stuff about various kinks that I’m really not into, myself. Had I been invited, or even been able to peek in, instead of slaving away on the computer, I’m not sure that I would’ve found any of it interesting, and may have found a few things disturbing. However I was still a little jealous, to be honest.

James and I have our relationship set up in a very particular way. Even though we’re married, it’s still an open relationship due to a few reasons on each of our sides. While I can’t speak for him, on my side it has a lot to do with being unwilling to deny my friends the deeper emotions (and yes, physical pleasures), as if they were reserved solely for James. We’re married and committed, but that doesn’t stop me from loving others, and it doesn’t stop a little fun here or there, either. Another aspect, from my side, is that James’s into some crazy stuff, and I most certainly am not. I do my best to be tolerant, but we came to an agreement early on that we should have a fairly open relationship so that we can both have fulfilling sex lives.

So if it’s not stuff I’m into, and if it falls within our loose guidelines, then why did I feel that twinge of jealousy?

I think it has to do with the different layers of sexuality. There is, obviously, the physical layer. For me, that’s been greatly reduced, to the point where I have a hard time coming to orgasm much anymore, just because I get kind of bored with what I’m doing. Then there’s the libido, the desire and need to even strive for orgasm or arousal in the first place. That, too, has been knocked down quite a bit, to the point where I have to consciously decide, “okay, going to masturbate. Right. Alright. Let’s go.”

However, one aspect that hasn’t been affected at all, or if so, very minutely, is the need for all of the stuff that goes along with sex. Just like someone with a sex drive, I crave that feeling of closeness and joining together, the feeling of company, and warmth, and emotional ties. When I was stuck working and hearing the occasional bit of noise from the other room, I think I got jealous because I was unable to participate in that sort of sharing. It was interesting to have that separated out from the libido for once, the need for companionship (a word I’m wary of using, as it carries meaning that is not tied to the sexual layer I want to describe).

It’s a flood of nullity that is slowly creeping up my sense of being as a sexual person. The first floor to go was probably libido: although not much had changed physically, I was noticing my thoughts weren’t drifting towards sex quite as often. After that came the physical side wherein I started having a hard time responding physically to stimuli, even though libido was already reduced. Now seems to come the sexual companionship side, which is being hemmed from the sides and below by this wave of Not. It’s a curious sensation.

Things are going okay, otherwise. I still have last weekend’s interview to transcribe (I’ve been going nuts with work, sorry). The depression really picked up quite a bit, this week, but I also had several very valid reasons that it would do so. Per my promises to others, I will be keeping a close eye on this, and if my mood doesn’t lift as the stressors are reduced, then I may halt the experiment early for myself. My goal remains December, but I have no desire to plow through suicidal level depression for the next five months.