Here follows the second interview. These interviews are recorded in conversational fashion within a few hours after each injection (this time during), about once every two weeks. This is more of an update than anything.
Matthew: Alright, so it’s july 14th 2012, time for the second shots…bunch of bills on my bed.
M: I’m also running the still now so we’re doing both at once the shots and the recording. And James is making kissy noises.
M: Things have been going well so far, we started on andro – or well I started on androcur…
J: I did too, put it into to the weekly pillbox.
M: I’m on fifty milligrams a day, about to say fifty megabytes a day. And noticed a bit of a change in that it’s kind of like I don’t…I just find that I get to the end of the workday and realize that I haven’t really thought about sex once, it’s not that there’s no arousal or any sexual thoughts or anything, just that it’s much reduced, it feels like, as compared to what it used to be when I was pawing [Ed. - Masturbating] once a day or so now I’m down to once every three days.
M: Waking up with either a very weak or no morning arousal, but you know, it could be psychosomatic, but hey, psychosomatic is fine too. So, I dunno, what do you think, James, while I do this? I can’t talk and do this…
J: Yeah, noticed it starting to kick…it starting to affect me as well, instead of pawing about three times a day it’s back down down to about once, though really the biggest thing that I’ve noced is that I’ve started to think sexual thoughts and I just don’t get hard relative to it. I have to work to actually get hard and also considering was probably still some stuff left in my system since I only stopped in April, I’m pretty happy with it so far.
M: That’s kind of what Iw as thinking was that it’s probably that you weren’t even totally back to baseline from last time.
J: Oh, no.
M: And so this has been kind of just bringing you back to where you were before without…what am I missing?
J: Did you sterilize your leg?
M: Will do it in a bit…mumble. Almost lost the sharp…Hard to talk and do this at the same time.
M: Well, now my bed smells like rubbing alcohol. Further out…or you’ll run into that middle thing that makes you feel all sore. Alright, how’s this for a boring recording?
J: Way over on this side…
M: Feel like a junkie ‘cause now I have a needle sticking out of my leg.
J: Man, you…take to it so easily!
M: I dunno why.
J: I almost passed out a few times.
M: Really? Well, some people and needles don’t get along. [A mutual friend] will pass out if he sees the needle, it’s not that the needle’s going ito him or the blood is going out of him, it’s if he sees the needle.
J: Me, its if it hits enough nerves it’s…my mind starts dwelling on it it, and it’s like eee…
M: Yeah definitely hit a nerve this time and it was a little painful, but that’s okay, nothing wrong with that.
Okay so, yeah, I mean as far as my goals in this and wanting to kind of use this time to kind of understand gender, it’s been interesting. Part of what’s been going on is that it’s not so much the lack of sex or lessening of sex drive has helped me understand myself any more, in terms of gender, it’s that this does tend to, at least this is just me guessing here, it does tend to make me feel mood swingy, more introspective, and maybe that’s just me thinking about the process, “Oh, I have to think about gender now, so I might as well think about gender now.”
So I don’t know, maybe it’s just again psychosoimatic, but it’s still proved useful. I’ve written some on the blog about how it’s not so much feeling transgendered because I don’t feel like the need to be a woman. I’m built pretty masculine, broad shoulders, and so on, it’s just that part of it is not fitting within a gender role, but doing stupid shit like shaving my legs and feeling bad about it, things aren’t quite aligned totally. It’s like there’s some misalignment between what I am physically and how I feel mentally. The whole emotional, getting sad and crying about shaving your legs and whatever is probably just me being mood swingy. I’ve also been going through a lot of crap at work, so who knows.
M: It’s just sort of helped give me something to focus on and something to act as the fulcrum here on thinking about gender and as it pertains to myself because I’m basically totally focused on this all the time now, because there’s something I’m doing, it’s not like I’m just sitting around navel gazing, I’m actually doing something about it.
I contemplated very briefly even getting some of the estradot…estrogen patch just to kind of help make things make things more androgynous, but realized that would be like four million things going wrong with me at once, andme bying more shit off the internet, so I think not. I don’t know. I’m better writing about this than talking about it butI think it’s going well so far.
J: I think ever since you decided to start with it that you’ve been a lot more calm.
M: Yeah, it’s kind of like the whole “deciding I was going to get a job in computers” thing. I was really kind of depressed about music because I was realizing it wasn’t going to work out as a job, and it was barely working out as a major, “okay, I’m going to go into computers”, and my life got so much easier because I’m actually doing something about it, I’m looking for a job in computers and now…it’s like “well I can sit here and twiddle my thumbs and gaze at my navel about gender or I can actually do someting about it, find some way to explore it that’s not like a permanent transition or anything, but allows me to experience something off baseline, off of this whole weird state I was in before, strangely depressed.”
J: Yeah, last fall was horrid.
M: Yeah. Now it’s sort of like well okay, this gives me something to actually think about and do something about, come up with…not necessarily do something as in transition but when I think about it I’ll be able to come up with some ideas as to what’s going on and then act on them mnake them part of myself, fully understand them. What about you? Helping with your fetishes?
J: God, yeah. Also gotten to the point where I have to think about a couple extreme fetishes to really successfully get off, very mild things aren’t doing it anymore. It’s about where I was last February or so, and I have no guilt associated with it, which is huge.
M: Is the thinking about more extreme fetishes a good thing? I suppose it’s fun if you’re getting off, but do you think it’s a good thing that you’re getting back into these things that are more extreme?
J: I don’t know, it depends on how much I follow through with it. It would be nice to actually have the sex drive go away and experience completely without, though at this point I’m kind of doubtfdul that will really happen, at least without doing something entirely different. Some things I do want to explore more, others such as CBT [Ed. - Cock and Ball Torture] I probably shouldn’t dabble in too much more.
M: Shouldn’t as in it’s like it’s nice enough to just read about and don’t need to do more? Or shouldn’t as in my body can’t take more..?
J: If I go through with much of what I’ve thought of in the last few days, I’d probably end up in the ER.
M: Okay, yeah, I basically forbid that, sorry! I just don’t want to deal with the ER more than anything.
J: Yes. Definitely turning into a nice experience and being able to share it with you is huge.
M: Is it still sort of a turn on that you’re doing this?
M: Can’t say needles are turn on. Probably say they’re a pretty big turn off for me.
J: Unfortunately with the dream I was having the other night, it’s a minor kink of mine.
M: No… No. Don’t get sent to the ER! Alright. I think that’s about it. I’m still running the still, I figure the twenty minutes the first time was fine, and fifteen minutes is good now.