I was thinking I’d write a whole big post on gender and how things have been going recently, but work’s taking up all of my time, and even if it wasn’t, I just don’t think I’d have the energy to do so. Bullet points instead.
- Sometimes, the whole gender thing is just a little whisper that I can ignore, or quietly shush. Other times, though, it’s a shout, a constant loud banging that I really don’t have the power, or at least the energy, to shut out.
- I think that this whole process has done a lot for helping me to distinguish the overlap between gender and sexuality by its absence. There are shared aspects, for sure. It’s a little comforting, I suppose, to know that it’s not just me being hung up on sex, though. Only partly.
- I’ve been swerving (relatively) wildly over the whole gender spectrum. It’s not, like, hour to hour, or even day to day, but gradual shifts toward one thing or another. It has me a little concerned for when I go off the medication, as I’m sure that testosterone boost will be decidedly uncomfortable.
- Sometimes I feel bad about being a 6’2″ pudgy man-shape, but, on consideration, given that I don’t know what I would prefer, I suppose that’s okay, in the end; the gender-neutral aspect of this experiment is just kind of the closest approximation.
- Considering the last four points, I think we need a new gender identity of ‘gender malaise’, because reasons.
- Given some introspection, it’s not hard to see the self-harm that was involved earlier in this experiment. I was, in a way, punishing myself for being sexual in some sort of incorrect fashion, (at least on some level, certainly not over all). I feel that time has given me additional perspective on this, though, and I’ve started to embrace it in a way not so focused on hurting myself, leading to cautious exploration deeper inside myself. In the long run, one can draw a clear line from my suicide attempt to this experiment, and I’ve kept going precisely because, after March, I’ve needed to focus on being happy, and this wound up helping in a big way.